Children of Divorce: How Psychodynamic Counselling Supports Children Through Family Change
By Ellen Laughlin, Psychotherapist at Kids' Therapy Works
When a family goes through divorce or separation, a child adapts not only to a new living arrangement, but has to make sense of a sudden emotional and psychological shift in the world they rely on for safety, stability and meaning. One of the ways children sometimes respond to this kind of change is by developing a very fixed way of seeing the people around them, especially their parents.
In psychodynamic terms, this is often described as splitting. Splitting is a defence mechanism where a child struggles to hold mixed feelings about the same person at the same time. Rather than seeing a parent as someone who can be both loving and frustrating, supportive and difficult, the child may begin to experience one parent as entirely "good" and the other as entirely "bad". This is not a conscious decision or a sign of deliberate rejection - it is an emotional way of reducing internal confusion when the child feels overwhelmed.
After divorce or separation, children may be exposed to uncertainty, loyalty conflicts, or emotional tension between adults. Even when parents try to protect them from this, children are often highly sensitive to shifts in atmosphere, tone, and availability. In some situations, a child may begin to simplify their emotional world as a way of coping. This can temporarily reduce anxiety, but it can also create a rigid internal picture of family relationships that becomes difficult to change.
From a psychodynamic perspective, this makes sense. Children depend on caregivers not only for practical care but for emotional regulation too. When the family structure changes, or when a child feels caught between two parental worlds, they may unconsciously organise their feelings in a way that feels safer - even if that picture isn't accurate or balanced.
In everyday life, this can sometimes appear as a child strongly rejecting one parent while idealising the other. The rejected parent may be described in very negative terms, sometimes without the child being able to give clear or consistent reasons. At the same time, the preferred parent may be experienced as completely safe or correct, even when their behaviour might also involve limitations or difficulties. These perceptions can feel very real to the child and are often held with emotional certainty rather than reflective thought.
In some cases, parents notice that the child's emotional responses seem "out of proportion" or inconsistent with what they observe in the relationship. A parent who has limited contact may be experienced as intrusive, while a parent who is heavily involved in the child's daily life may be seen as entirely supportive. This can feel confusing from the outside, but it reflects the child's internal attempt to organise complex emotional experiences into something more manageable.
How Counselling Can Help
Psychodynamic counselling in these situations doesn't aim to tell the child who is right or wrong, or to replace one version of reality with another. Instead, it focuses on helping the child gradually develop the capacity to hold more than one feeling about the same person. Over time, the goal is for a child to recognise that relationships can contain both closeness and frustration, care and disappointment, without needing to collapse those into extremes.
This process takes time because the original defensive structure is usually protecting the child from emotional experiences that once felt overwhelming. In therapy, the pace of exploration is therefore careful and steady, with attention paid to how the child experiences relationships in the present moment, including the therapeutic relationship itself. As trust builds, the child may begin to reflect on earlier family experiences in a way that feels less emotionally charged and more understandable.
Parents also play an important role in this process. While therapy focuses on the child's inner world, the wider emotional environment continues to matter. Children benefit from consistency, predictable contact, and a reduced sense that they need to manage adult emotional states.
What often becomes clear in this work is that the child's way of seeing the family is not fixed, even when it feels that way at first. As emotional pressure reduces and understanding grows, children can begin to move away from rigid "all good" and "all bad" positions. This shift allows for a more realistic and less burdensome way of relating to both parents, and it often supports healthier emotional development over time.
For parents seeking children's counselling after divorce or separation, the aim is not to erase difficult feelings or rewrite the past. It is to support the child in processing change in a way that allows for complexity, emotional flexibility, and a more stable sense of self within a changed family structure.
Counselling at Kids' Therapy Works
If your child has been affected by family separation and could benefit from some support, Kids' Therapy Works Counselling offers a safe and confidential space where children and young people can explore their feelings at their own pace. Sessions take place at our Lakelands clinic in Stanway, Colchester.
If you'd like to find out more, please get in touch via our counselling page. I'd be happy to have a chat.
Ellen Laughlin holds an MA in Psychodynamic Counselling and Psychotherapy and works with children and young people experiencing anxiety, emotional difficulties, grief, bereavement, and relationship challenges. She is based at Kids' Therapy Works, Lakelands, Stanway, Colchester.
This post is part of the Children's Counselling Explained series, written to help parents understand the support available for their child's emotional wellbeing.